HELP! MY PENIS IS SHRINKING!

A mystery virus that may have been unleashed by Osama Bin Laden’s Al Qaeda terror group attacks men where it hurts—the strange bug makes their manhood shrivel and shrink until their “mighty bats” are as teeny as toothpicks, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control reports. And there’s no telling how many men might already be infected.

According to epidemiologists, “hundreds of victims have been diagnosed in all 50 states and millions more are at risk.”

And the virus is spreading like wildfire, they continue, via casual contact as seemingly innocuous as a businessman’s handshake or a friendly pat on the back.

“We’re seeing men lose up to 50 percent of their length and girth over a period of just a few weeks,” says a spokesman at the CDC’s headquarters in Atlanta, Ga.

“We’re talking about a devastating decline in masculinity that could affect self-esteem or even drive a man to suicide.”

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